Bastardy Grump.

You know, sometimes I just want to give up.

Not tango itself, but...a lot of people show up every night, dance around, go home. They tango Tuesdays, waltz Wednesdays, salsa Saturdays, swing Sundays. They do it to get out of the house, to have a good time with friends, whatever.

They don't sit around breaking their feet to the ground until their heels bruise, working on getting feet like Geraldine. They don't agonize over the length of their back step, over their embrace, over their inability to properly lead to Biagi. Tango just doesn't hurt for them, and none of my snark will make them care as much as I care.

So, what's the point?

The tango-blog-as-personal-journey has a much more lenient expiration date, since the chronicle of a life tends to make a good story no matter the subject, but this blog is anonymous, and there's only so much I can say that applies to everyone. My meaningful experiences with tango tend to happen far away from this blog; the generalities are wearing thin, especially as the internet fills up with "man, I hate it when the leader smells" posts.

So, what can you do? How many times can you say something before it stops being funny and just gets strident? How long before you turn into some asshole who blogs a thousand words a day just to listen to the sound of his own keyboard (Miles)?

Yes, I'm in a bad mood, and I'm sure my bad mood will lift in direct proportion to the number of hideous tango dresses I can find online in the next week, but for the moment...nada.

Dinner of champions.

Okay, I'm soliciting comments on foods that are wise to eat before a milonga, in the hopes that some misguided person will realize that garlic pasta is not the best thing they could eat before going to a milonga and asking people to dance in close embrace?

(It's not me. I promise.)

Boiling down, boiling over.

Okay, people.

I've witnessed two fundamental approaches to tango, beyond differences in style and ability and geography and family legacy and dietary requirements and tectonic plates and whatever else:

A) Dancing with you is a pleasure for me.

B) Dancing with me is a pleasure for you.

The rise of tango blogging has brought these two mindsets into sharp relief, and there could be college papers written on how these mindsets are split almost exactly along gender lines, with women in category A and men in category B. (In fact, I think I am the only female blogger bastardy enough to be lumped with the males. Go me?)

However, I'm putting aside all the gender implications etc etc. because I graduated college a looong time ago and have no wish to go back. We'll do this in general terms.

People in category A understand that when you ask someone to dance and they accept, or when someone asks you to dance and you accept, some accomodation might need to be made. Tango is not (supposed to be) stage dance. You get four songs for a reason - tango's a conversation. You can spend the first song introducing yourselves, the second song finding a mutually agreeable topic, and the last two songs listening to the music.

Most good leaders and followers are in this category. We like these people. They're nice. They say hi. They like puppies!

People in category B think that they're so good that people are lucky to get to dance with them.

People who would be in category B for a good reason: Julio, Corina, Gustavo, Geraldine, Javier, Graciela, Firpo, Dany, Natacha, Tete, Silvia, Samantha, Pablo, Silvina, Sergio, Alejandra, Fabian, Carolina, and company.

People from that list who are actually in category B: probably Pablo. He seems like kind of a poop. Everybody else is very gracious in declining, or very gracious in dancing, which puts them back up in Category A.

People who are in category B and shouldn't be: almost everyone besides those people.

When someone agrees to dance with you, you're enjoying the dance together. It's not a one-man show, it's not an embellishment class, and it's not a practica redux. It's a conversation set to music. If you want to be a stand-up comedian, a debate-club member, or a lounge singer, go for it, but tango is not a solo act, and the person dancing with you is not a prop. If she's trying to feel Fresedo and you're hitting the traspie, you're not listening to her.

Huh. This was supposed to be gender-neutral, but come to think of it, I've danced with women way out of my league and they never made me feel like they were doing me a favor (even though they obviously were), so it's back on the dudes. Get the hell out of category B, man!

With Wolves, I Say!

I have found another charming gentleman in the tango blogosphere. "Milongas/No hay luz/Ask Aleandro" (yes, that's the actual title) features, among other things, Ask Aleandro, where Neil's alter-ego Aleandro answers tango questions "from readers". Except, he sort of doesn't answer them at all.

Aleandro,
Why do women want to lead?
Gracias,
Sampson, a strong man with long hair

Dear Sampson,
If she chooses to dance with women that's up to her. But for me, it's better to dance with wolves than to dance with a woman who leads other women.
I'm old fashioned . . . like an Old World Gentleman . . . like a Milonguero from Buenos Aires.
Be careful. Don't let your guard down or fall asleep. She may cut your hair or other parts of your body that keep you strong.
Chau,
Aleandro

Okay, a few things.

1) The English major in me is totally stressed out that he didn't answer the question. Address the topic! Your "reader" wants to know about the motivation, not your aversion! It's like Composition 101 over here! Gah!

2) Dude has a castration thing going on that I don't really understand. Ew.

3) I am going to start using the "dance with wolves" thing everywhere I go, in all situations. It's priceless.

"Planchadora, would you like a second helping of potatoes?"
"I would rather dance with wolves than eat more of your potatoes!"

"You should come out with us!"
"I would rather dance with wolves than stay up significantly past my regular bedtime!"

"Welcome to Macy's! What can I help you with today?"
"I would rather dance with wolves than wear your casual career clothing!"

(This all must be said in Bombastic Renaissance Faire Nobleman Voice, obviously.)


ETA: I'm seriously practicing it. "I would rathah dahnce with WOOOOOLVES than wear your causal careeah clothing!"

ETA 2: The one pointed out in the comments is even funnier. These are the fakest "readers" in the land.

A Guide to Invitations, by a Traumatized Dancer.

Ways Guys Should Maybe Not Ask for Dances, with Commentary Entirely in Punctuation:

"Hey, you're a lot thinner than the last time I saw you!" (!)

"Have you worked on your volcadas any? We could try them out." (??)

"Hey, for a second I thought you were Jake! New haircut?" (...)

"Let me just rub your shoulders." (!!)


Now look, I am as sensitive to anyone else as to the horrors of making conversation with people from whom you want something. It's why I am a terrible salesperson, because my mindset is: why the hell should I make people buy something I'm not enthusiastic about myself?

However, hearing all of these things within 24 hours of each other really makes me despair as to the level of conversation people can expect at milongas. Two of these are embarrassing, one is sort of hilariously challenging, and one is just creepy. When you walk up behind someone and rub their shoulders, you had better be a blood relative or a romantic partner of that person, you guys. Seriously. I should not have to spell this out for anyone.

(Can you tell I got the fourth guy? Still shuddering. No touching without express permission, people; it's common courtesy.)

Best part? He was surprised - nay, hurt and confused! - when I declined the dance.

Gentlemen! When asking for a dance, maybe something a little more innocuous? When in doubt, please feel free to print out and refer to this handy guide.

TOPICS TO AVOID:

Weight loss, weight gain, visible cleavage, extreme youth, extreme age, skirt length, our inevitable mortality, your desire to rub her shoulders, body odor (hers or someone else's), how much better you are than her chosen partner, this great new move you learned in class and wish to try out, your desire to rub her shoulders, politics, your cousin Bob who's doing 3 to 5 for car theft, this weird rash you have on your knee, your desire to rub her shoulders.

ACCEPTABLE TOPICS:

Shoes, the weather, the music, the crowd, puppies, personalities of recent guest teachers, anticipation of upcoming guest teachers, ice cream, YouTube tango videos, and economics.


QUIZ

Name the unacceptable topic in the following invitations.

a) "I love this orchestra! Would you like to dance?"

b) "I'm on my way to dance at the moment, but I would love to have a vals tanda with you later, if you'd like to?"

c) "This lighting is really flattering to you! Would you like to dance?"

d) "Nice to see you! Would you like to dance?"

I have a magic power.

I have a magic power.

When I'm changing into my tango shoes, I take off a street shoe and grab the first tango shoe I can get hold of inside my bag. (It's a big bag, not your normal shoe bag.) No matter what street shoe I remove first, I pull out the tango shoe for the corresponding foot.

Magically.

I mean, sure, it's not levitation or anything, but being able to blindly change tango shoes in under thirty seconds is pretty cool when you're switching shoes all night. I consider it a power, much in the way there was an X-Men miniseries comic where Dazzler's powers overwhelm her in a huge metaphor for drug addiction, and she goes to mutant rehab after burning out, and some girl at rehab has the mutant power to change the color of a flower she's holding, and Dazzler thinks about how nice it is that not all mutants have destructive crazypants powers.

Yeah, I didn't leave the house much as a kid.

P.S. I think Dazzler, whose power was turning sound into light, should probably not have been quite so pensive about useless mutant powers, is all I'm saying.

Anyway, that awesome mutant tango power aside, the tangocoaster continues to roll along. I have a great axis! Oops, I have no axis. I have steps like Corina! I step like a duck. My leading's amazing! Except when it's not. I'm totally awesome! Oh, wait, no, I'm The Suck.

That rhymes, but I didn't notice until I was finished with it and I'm not changing it. We'll all just pretend I'm Dr. Seuss.

It's been a little while since I posted, and there are two things in the Bastardy Grump category I feel I need to address:

Firstly. Followers, when you are doing a back ocho, you really need to collect your feet. If you don't collect your ankles and swing your straight leg backwards, you are not making an ocho but a shallow planeo. And if it's Pugliese, or space and the music allow, a nice shallow planeo looks beautiful. (A deep planeo looks like stage tango, or, if poorly executed, like you're ducking a low-level aircraft.) It's a very nice adornment. But I know you're not doing 16 planeos a tanda as adornments, and the people you're tripping know that, too. Ankles and insteps, followers. Take all my other snarking with a grain of salt, but you really can't go wrong with this one. Ankles and insteps.

Secondly. Leaders. I understand you know how to do twenty great moves. The thing is, you don't need to know twenty great moves. You know what a follower is fine with? This:

This is the best of both worlds. You get to look smooth and confident and still show off your cross-track and sacada skills. She gets to walk nicely, do a few little adornments, and feel like she's listening to the music with you, not just following because of you.

(Seriously, people, tango is not driving a car or directing a follower. Tango is a conversation. The language is music, and the topic is whatever you two decide. It's not a monologue with an audience. The follower is half the dance; don't forget her.)

This is a much calmer point than it could be, because I had the pleasure of thinking about this while appreciatively watching a leader with this style, as opposed to my normal M.O., which is watching (and wanting to strangle) guys who insist on gancho/sacada combinations all the time.

I'm traveling on business tomorrow, so there's no tango for me this weekend unless I can find some in Town. (Not the same Town. Town B, I guess. I'm bad at this game.) However, given my luck with finding tango in capital-T Towns, I'll probably just spend the weekend YouTubing.

What did sequestered tango people do before YouTube?

O RLY? Redux

So, apparently if a woman can't get dances and isn't willing to go around asking for them, she should learn to lead so she doesn't sit out.

1) Upbraiding a woman for not seeking out leaders is sort of hypocritical coming from a guy who complains about having to dole out "gift dances" to women, no?

2) Learning to lead is something you should do because you want to experience the dance a different way. It is as much a learning curve as following. To suggest that a woman leads because she can't get dances sort of devalues all the work, which is again a little hypocritical coming from a guy who takes multiple privates a week (for all the good it does him).

3) Who still says "bug up your butt"? Is this The Waltons suddenly?

4) Seriously, "gift dances".

5) Also, apparently he doesn't like Ney Melo's style of embrace and is headed to Buenos Aires.

...

...ooooookay.

Of course, this is just my two cents, since Caroline's response is delightfully profane and direct and took care of all the major points. Click the link above, scroll down, and enjoy.

Ten Things You Will Probably Not Overhear at Your Milonga.

1. "These Comme il Fauts are okay, I guess - do you have anything less flashy?"

2. "You know, I really enjoy dancing with beginners."

3. "Musical leads scare me."

4. "I don't know - Biagi just doesn't move me like Tanturi does. I'll sit this one out."

5. "This line of dance is looking SHARP!"

6. "I don't know - she's a little TOO thin."

7. "When a guy leads that sixth gancho in a row, my heart just melts!"

8. "I prefer a woman with a really stoney embrace."

9. "There's not enough room on the dance floor - let's save the nuevo for later."

10. "Let's just dance."

Pet Peeve.

Okay, you know what? Part of my grump of the last few weeks is that when tango blogs come up in conversation with non-dancers the next words out of that person's mouth are, "You know this one guy....?"

I'm sure you all know the guy I mean; his incessant self-promotion makes certain you know him. (Though apparently he's always emailing friends and all those blanket posts are an accident? Which...he must be emailing tango-laura, tango-lorraine, and tango-lulu a ton, I guess.)

Luckily, for real tango dancers, he posts regular video evidence that he's nothing but badly-written hot air, so there's no danger of them taking him seriously. They look, they laugh, they move on.

Unfortunately, for the layperson, it might be harder to distinguish someone who has a lot to say from someone who has something of value to say. So I usually end up saying, "For insight into tango, ask an old Argentine, please."

I don't offer any, because I don't have any beyond "I like to dance with you" or "I don't". I have opinions, obviously, because everyone with a blog has opinions. But insight? Ask Tete. Ask Osvaldo. Ask Corina. Sit down to dinner with the Disparis. Don't look to me, and seriously, don't look to him.


Now, if laypeople want to talk about dresses, that's another story...

Following.

Someone posted a comment on Leading, linking me to his thoughts on followers and their necessary traits. I didn't read it, since being both a follower and a leader leaves me with plenty of fodder for my own posts, and if anyone here thinks I don't have as many opinions on following as I do on leading, they clearly have never been here before.

Here's the "Following" post that was originally going to go up tomorrow until I found this amazing video clip and couldn't wait any more.

The four walls that a follower needs: patience, balance, a good embrace, musicality.

I'd say these are more or less in order of importance, mostly because patience refers both in waiting for the lead and in learning how to follow well. While a man can build the walls of his house in six months, a woman has to learn how to stretch her leg out fully behind her in a four-inch stiletto toe-first, and maintain perfect balance freehand, and if you think that takes less than a year you're an optimist and also a little delusional.

Clearly, the balance has to come next, and the embrace, because, though it's sad to say, a nonmusical follower with good technique will get dances over a musical follower who feels heavy or wobbly.

Followers, you cannot anticipate the lead; if he leads it badly or muddily, don't do it. To not follow a bad lead will embarrass him, but to anticipate a move and guess wrong embarrasses you. Just because he did something six times in a row doesn't mean he'll do it the seventh time. Wait and see.

Balance is more important than extension, embellishments, or attitude. At the end of a giro, you should be collected; a beautiful, off-balance boleo is not worth it.

A good embrace is not a vise, and it is not a hovercraft; find a comfortable position, and know that it will change as you move. Adapt. Don't use his shoulders as a prop, or his shoulder blade as bread dough. No kneading, no gripping, no holding on for dear life. If you have to hold on for dear life, don't dance with him. An embrace is just that; hug the guy and go with it.

Musicality in a follower is not appreciated as it should be, but if you are musical, so much the better for you. It might not benefit you with leaders who don't know how to wait or give space to the follower, but it will seep into your dance nonetheless and turn you from a follower into a dancer. All the other walls you build for your leader. Musicality is a wall you build for yourself.

This is a demo done by Natalia Hills and her partner; she has flawless balance, supported and relaxed posture, musical embellishments. Perfect long steps. She doesn't follow; she dances.

Leading.

Okay, this is the bastardy grump post I did not post before, but it keeps coming up and I figure I might as well post it instead of boring all my tango friends with the same grump endlessly.

If you are a man in tango, you probably: are a man (sounds obvious, but bear with me, I have a point), walk foward, dictate the dance.

Despite what a lot of you guys seem to think, none of this makes you a leader. It just makes you a man in tango.

What makes a leader: a good embrace, intent, musicality, ability to pause.

These are universal constants. Now, you don't have to move like Zotto, or have the musicality of Julio, or pause like Gavito; they are masters, and you need only be competent. Take a breath, back away from the YouTube, and relax.

However, to be considered competent, you MUST have all four of these things. There is NOTHING that will make up for a lack of these things. No pattern or cologne or pair of snappy shoes will make up for any of these four things, much the same way as really gorgeous furniture will not make up for the fact that your house only has three walls. You need all four.

If you have great musicality but no intent, you'll step on me. If you have musicality but no ability to pause, you'll artfully dance me around but be unable to collect me. If you don't have a good embrace, I won't have confidence in anything else you do.

These four things take dedication and some time to develop, but by six months of any kind of class or practice whatsoever you should be able to listen to the music, walk nicely without stepping on your follower, and collect without wobbling.

Your followers need it. Really, we do. We don't need sacadas. We hate ganchos. Boleos injure other dancers. Just listen to the music and walk nicely. Let us know you're there. If the music allows, stand quietly with us for a moment; balance us, check in on us. We just want safe houses, really.

If we say no to a dance, and you ask why, we may say a lot of things, but what we're really telling you is, "Your house only has three walls."

If you think you can't do it, or you can't imagine what I mean, or you want proof it looks cool enough, this is Jorge Dispari walking with his daughter Samantha.


Online Videos by Veoh.com

Just saying.

Tango - A Photo Essay.

Okay, a brief photo essay about tango.

This is social tango.

This is stage tango.

The End

The difference? Visible underpants. I don't want to see any underpants, people. I mean it. It's not that kind of dance floor.

All photos from Flickr: here, here, here, here, here, here.

My Two Cents on the Geraldine Debate.

Dear everyone in the world,

You are not Geraldine. Quit the kicking.

Yours sincerely,
Planchadora

Planchadora Rips Into Commenters, Part 2 in a Series.

So, a gentleman posted in a comment to a video of two women dancing, qualifying women leaders on criteria other than "ability" and "body odor". And he had the very bad judgement to do so on my blog.

I think you'll agree with me when I say: Mistake!

For those who don't want to go scrolling all over, the comment in its entirety is pasted below:

"She leads very well, she have great musicality (in milonga!), and she is hot... I dont know if i have to feel threatened by her (and her kind of girls) or just excited about such dancers.
But I know one thing: I REALLY want to dance with her sometime. Probably it will be a little difficult, because I find that women who often leads aren't "flexible" (I can think in a better word) in her follow. But it sure must be a pleasure =).
I use to think that women who leads don look good, but some girls I knew, prove me wrong.
Great video!"

Now, this gentleman commented to an earlier post and made it known he's Argentine, so I'm not going to ding him on grammar or anything, because let's face it, I can ding his content plenty.


1) The "hot girl" in question is Silvina Valz, frequent and favored performance partner of Flaco Dany. I've been lucky enough to take some of her classes.

Dude? You should feel threatened.

2) Who else loves the idea that because she's hot, she's not as threatening as some more mannish women leaders? That's pretty awesome. (See #1.)

3) Women who lead aren't as "flexible" if they lead regularly. Interesting thought. I'm not going to conjecture the word he meant, because I think he means "pliable" and that would make me spitting mad, so we'll give him a pass here.

I would like to point out, however, that 99% of professional female tango dancers know how to lead, for teaching purposes if for nothing else, and they're probably flexible enough to suit most people. If this isn't enough, I'd like to refer the statement about "frequent female leading = bad following" to Fabienne Bongard, Sharna Fabiano, Rebecca Shulman, Valeria Solomonoff, andBrigitta Winkler, members of the all-female tango troupe Tango Mujer, and not bad as followers go.

Dude? See #1.

Eeeee!

Yeah, yeah, I'm all videos and no talk these days, I promise I have really haunting revelations soon that will change your life, mend the hole in the ozone, and get the red wine stains off your shirt. (You crazy klutz!)

But I had to post this, for obvious reasons. Pointed out to me on Fishnets and Fedoras by one of my favorite followers, who is now trying to get me to lead in heels. She's funny. And delusional.

Video of the Week: Holy Poo!

You guys, this girl is SIX. YEARS OLD.

I would have shown you earlier today, but I was in the fetal position crying because I will never, ever, ever be as good as THIS SIX YEAR OLD.

I mean, she can also probably read and build sand castles, which means I can't beat her in ANYTHING. This six-year-old has left me in the dust. Thanks a lot, small person!

I should have made this a shout-out on Father's Day, but my father never taught me to tango, so I'm all mad and don't want to wait.

The Embrace: A Field Guide.

New to tango? It can seem like a wasteland, I understand. So many disciplines, so many things to remember, so many things that define you as a dancer, right down to the embrace. But never fear: whether you're a gentle beginner, or someone just looking for a style to call your own, there is a handy field guide to the embrace.

THE EMBRACE: A FIELD GUIDE

Milonguero
Close embrace, the woman's arm around the man's shoulders, torsos pressed together or tilted slightly to form a small "V". Man's left hand close to the body, tilted upwards; woman's hand resting on man's hand, elbow towards her body.

Salon
Close embrace, the woman's arm around the man's shoulders or with the left hand on the man's shoulder blade, torsos in a "V" shape. Man's left hand close to the body, sometimes slightly raised above the shoulder, palm tilted slightly towards the woman; woman's hand resting on the man's hand, the tilted angle giving her a little resistance.

Nuevo
Open embrace, the woman's left hand lightly gripping the man's right arm, the man with his hand on the woman's spine. Man's left hand a little away from the body, palm to the woman; the woman's hand mirrors this.

Villa Urquiza
Close embrace, with the woman's hand low on the man's back, fingers spread. The torsos form a slight "V".

Inestable (The Unstable)
Slightly open embrace, marked by a vise-like grip on the woman's back that robs her of her axis and makes her lean backwards, so the dancing pair forms a human letter K. The man's hand is usually pressing forward; the woman's arm is mostly achy.

Pluma (The Feather)
Close embrace style notable for its trust in the follower to do whatever is led without any guidance or support from the actual embrace. Look for a soft, yiedling hand on the man, and am ebrace loose enough to stick a fist through. Also traceable through a succession of nervous followers.

Lanzar (The Pusher)
Open embrace; the man's right hand i sholding on to the follower's armpit, and the woman's embracing hand grabs the deltoid. The man's left hand is held out from the body parallel to the floor, palm facing her, making it eaiser to fling her. The woman's right hand is her only lifeline; followers of this style tend to have extremely toned forearms.

Lobo (The Wolf)
Extremely close embrace; the man's embrace is firm and his head as close to the bosom of his partner as possible, the woman's arm wraps around the man's neck tightly; for a particularly long-armed follower, wrap two or three times around. The held hands on the open side of the embrace are firmly jammed into the man's collarbone.

Exquisito (Exquisite)
Marked by a firm, yet elastic embrace, hands helf comfortably and with dynamism, and proper axis. This embrace is almost extinct, and can usually only be seen in capitivity. For in situ observation of this rare creature, a trip to Buenos Aires is recommended.

Video of the Week - Canyengue

Okay, so, sometimes a milonga comes on and people are like, "...the hell is this?", which means it's a canyengue.

Canyengue is the predecessor of milonga, which is the predecessor of tango, which is the predecessor of that scene in Moulin Rouge which was okay at the time but has become the background music for a thousand Smallville fanvids that clog my YouTube searches, and so now I think it's evil.

(Also, if you ever want a laugh, search for "tango roxanne music", and click on one of those random music videos. Look for: hilariously unlikely subject matter - anime, star wars, ice skating (!) - and even better if you get one with terrible spelling. "Kate luvs Sawyer + Jack who will she choose?? song is tango de roxanne from moulin rouge - TRUTH AND LOVE 4EVER!")

Ahem. Sorry about that. Back to my point - CANYENGUE!

Most people dance milonga to canyengue. That's okay. No negative points for doing that. However, if the lady turns her head so it's looking the same direction as the man's head, they drop their joined hands, and they catch the rhythm correctly, it's one million squillion positive Planchadora points.

Here's a demonstration of all the little beats and unique steps that make up a good canyengue. The camera also lingers on their upper bodies, and for two reasons:

1) Their upper bodies maintain the same structure and posture required of tango, milonga, and all the other dances. No shimmying!

2) He has a really kicky little chapeau going on.

So, the next time a canyengue comes on, now you know. Drop your hands, turn your heads, and ric-tic-tic.

And her bastardy heart shrank three sizes that day!

Welcome to another edition of Bastardy Grump (c)!

1. Things visiting Argentine bigshots are talking about at the milonga when you dance past:
1) Coffee, wanting more
2) Dessert, wishing they had had less
3) Water, procurement of
4) Orchestra, debate over merits of
5) Dancing, debates over merits of
6) Bunions, possible presence of
7) Seafood, possible danger of
8) Sex
9) Sleeping, dire need of
10) Nice shoes, desire for
11) Orchestra vs. Dancing 2: Tango Boogaloo
12) Orchestra, violent fight over

Things they are most probably not talking about:
1) Dancing, your

What they think of you when you approach them, interrupt their conversation, and ask what they were talking about regarding your dancing as you prepare carefully for a compliment:
1) Jerk, total


This is why Argentines stay in Buenos Aires and don't teach in America. Stop it!

"The Tango Lesson."

My friend Cadencia gave me The Tango Lesson as a gift. I had seen it three years ago on one of those independent film channels you always end up watching right before you fall asleep, and I remembered it as some kind of weird fever dream with a goatee in it. Naturally I was excited by the opportunity to watch it while lucid.

"The Tango Lesson." A movie / real-life comparison.

MOVIE: Film director Sally Potter can't concentrate on her hilariously sucky movie and, after seeing a tango performance, tries to learn tango from Pablo Veron.

The dude may be a drunk, but he can jump!

She gets through one lesson that he teaches while totally hung over.

REAL LIFE: Uh, so far so good.

MOVIE: Because her imaginary movie kind of sucks, she finds fake holes all over her house and runs off to Buenos Aires to really learn tango, as in, learn tango from other people who are not drinkyface Pablo Veron.

REAL LIFE: Probably a good idea! I'm just saying, that crazy art movie went nowhere and it looks Pablo's dancing with himself, if you get me.

Sally introduces her leitmotif of unflattering, high-waisted bubble pants.

MOVIE: She takes what looks like two lessons from Gustavo Naveira and Fabian Salas, then hits Confiteria Ideal and manages to snag Omar Vega AND Cacho Dante.

REAL LIFE: Well, she ain't so great, it has to be said, but hey, if anyone can teach someone to tango in two lessons it's Gustavo and Fabian. Also, this movie makes me hope they are a wacky crime-fighting duo who run around fixing people's bad ochos and stuff all the time, because the world needs them! ALSO also, they could maybe have their wacky tuxedo-wearing friend "Flaco" Dany who helps them out sometimes, and their wacky high-speed weapons expert Jorge Firpo, and their counterintelligence superpower Geraldine Rojas! I'd pay money to see that movie! I'd pay more money to see that movie than I would to see this one, that's for damn sure.

Sally Potter and her wacky crimefighting trio

ps. If you watch that YouTube video, right when they have the establishing shot of the gentlemen, Cacho Dante is totally staring RIGHT AT THE CAMERA. It's one of my favorite moments in the whole movie. He's like, "I, uh...I'm just....camera."

MOVIE: Sally comes back from Buenos Aires and is bored by everything.

REAL LIFE: Hell yes. See also: anyone who ever went to Bs As and danced.

MOVIE: She misses tango, so she goes to see Pablo and they become BFFs and dance through a bunch of waiters trying to clean up and along a municipal waterway.

REAL LIFE: I'd say we're edging into Mary Sue territory, but apparently this actually happened to some extent, and later we get to see plenty of her dancing foibles, so I'll give her a pass.

MOVIE: They become professional dance partners in a sort of put-me-in-your-movie foreplay, except that Pablo only dances for himself and as soon as she starts in with, "So, you totally ignored me on stage in front of, like, three hundred people," he whips out the, "I'm a man, I need my space to BREATHE!" thing, which might work on a better actor but looks pretty hilarious on Pablo Veron.

REAL LIFE: Dude, this is every relationship in the history of time. Check.

MOVIE: They go back to Buenos Aires, where they pick up Gustavo and Fabian and begin working on choreography - and on their sizzling sexual tension!

In an attempt to escape the rain, Sally's pants crawl up her waistline seeking freedom!

REAL LIFE: Sally's not a good emoter, and neither is Pablo, and the sexual-tension part is just a lot of staring. However, you'll notice that all these scenes are saved by Gustavo and Fabian, Crime-Fighting Milongueros! (Gustavo is the serious, mythical one and Fabian is the lighthearted, playful one, and they work tirelessly to uncover the axis of every tango dancer! Hooray!)

MOVIE: The jealousy increases until Pablo busts up her tanda with another guy so he can dance with her himself.

REAL LIFE: I checked with a friend who lived in Bs As on this, and her answer was, "HAHAHAH, no." I'm going to take a wild stab and say that it would either not happen or not be tolerated if it did happen, because, come on.

ps. I have no video footage of this, but if you can get your hands on a copy of the movie, right after Pablo shoves Sally's partner, there's a mid-shot where you can see a pair of dancer extras. The dude's expression is the kind of horror and dismay one would expect if Pablo had come to the guy's house, shoved sand into his face, kicked his dog, and marched out. That extra is holding NOTHING back.

MOVIE: Ambiguous ending after some big fight about nothing.

REAL LIFE: Well, you have to give Sally points for knowing how relationships go. Another one for Sally.

I finished this movie with the prevailing thought that my fever dream had been pretty accurate.

There are a lot of things here that are totally artsy and contrived, and the fact that I could believe that they actually happened makes me a little sad for Sally - like, I can absolutely believe she'd call and leave a big Biblical anecdote on someone's answering machine. Should she be proud of this? I don't know. I guess it depends on how well it worked in real life.

I also have trouble with the fact that all the Argentine bigshots make a big deal out of how great a dancer she is; I can't blame her for wanting to make a movie where she dances with every bigshot but Flaco Dany, who must have been out of town, but later she makes a whole plot point out of the fact that she's NOT a very good follower, which just makes me feel like she was writing fanfiction in her head or something. I mean, who abandons their significant other ON THE DANCE FLOOR to come over and dance with someone else? (Yes, this happened. Just like they all cross the room and stand by the table while she's talking and wait to ask her to dance. Who let that happen?)

What I do think she got right is the addictive nature of tango; I love all the quiet moments where she hobbles around in her first pair of tango shoes, where she soaks her feet in the tub after a night of dancing. I love when she goes to the tea dance in Paris and even though at that point she hasn't been to Buenos Aires, you can see on her face that she knows this isn't really tango. That stuff is all great.

And this moment, thought totally contrived, is a very powerful representation of the struggle of tango, where the man seeks to contain the woman but needs her for balance, etc. This moment was the reason I chose this as my blog picture for so long.


This whole movie was the reason I took it off again. I'm on strike for Gustavo and Fabian: Crime-Fighters! I know you can do it, Sally! Make it happen!