Stalktastic!

Okay, this is cheating and I'm planning a big post later, I swear, but who can resist a little stalking?

Oh Julio and Corina, if you knew of my existence, which you don't, would you love me as much as I love you guys? Think it over and get back to me.

Videos for every week until the end of time.

Some totally awesome person has uploaded a series of clips from tango classes given by Carlos Gavito. They should be required viewing for everyone in the world, including kittens.

Possible Reasons Why I Am Not Tangoing Lately.

* I have decided to take up the polka. Beginner classes every Wednesday at the Senior Center! oh HAAAAY!

* The news that Irishman Jonathan Rhys Meyers has gone into rehab (for drinking, shockingly) has left me too upset to concentrate on anything.

* My day job eats up a lot of my time and energy.

* I've been abducted by walruses. (Walrii? But don't think my ignorance of the plural means this isn't a viable option. You never know.)

* My residence was a big fat mess and I had to deal with it.

* Someone else's residence was a big fat mess and I had to deal with. (What? I'm very helpful!)

* I haven't had much to write about, tango-wise.

Take your pick. They're all about equally true, except the walrus one, which is triple-true.

Video of the Week - Canyengue

Okay, so, sometimes a milonga comes on and people are like, "...the hell is this?", which means it's a canyengue.

Canyengue is the predecessor of milonga, which is the predecessor of tango, which is the predecessor of that scene in Moulin Rouge which was okay at the time but has become the background music for a thousand Smallville fanvids that clog my YouTube searches, and so now I think it's evil.

(Also, if you ever want a laugh, search for "tango roxanne music", and click on one of those random music videos. Look for: hilariously unlikely subject matter - anime, star wars, ice skating (!) - and even better if you get one with terrible spelling. "Kate luvs Sawyer + Jack who will she choose?? song is tango de roxanne from moulin rouge - TRUTH AND LOVE 4EVER!")

Ahem. Sorry about that. Back to my point - CANYENGUE!

Most people dance milonga to canyengue. That's okay. No negative points for doing that. However, if the lady turns her head so it's looking the same direction as the man's head, they drop their joined hands, and they catch the rhythm correctly, it's one million squillion positive Planchadora points.

Here's a demonstration of all the little beats and unique steps that make up a good canyengue. The camera also lingers on their upper bodies, and for two reasons:

1) Their upper bodies maintain the same structure and posture required of tango, milonga, and all the other dances. No shimmying!

2) He has a really kicky little chapeau going on.

So, the next time a canyengue comes on, now you know. Drop your hands, turn your heads, and ric-tic-tic.

Private Dancer.

A dancer for MONNEH, I'll DO WHAT YOOU WAWNT ME TOO DOOOOOO....

/ Tina Turner.

Earlier this week I had a private lesson (following), and it was one of those lessons you kick yourself for ever postponing, because if I had had that lesson six months ago I'd be a much better dancer now. It was all axis and balance work, Corina-style, except I look a lot less like Corina than a picture of Corina that's been all crumpled up so the spine is all wonky and twisted and the posture is bad. Not any more, though! Or at least, I have no more excuses, since, you know, I was told how to do it correctly. It's broken down the way I think about walking on a practically molecular level, to the point that walking around my office today is a Karate-Kid-level effort. Come on, Planchadora-san!

With any luck, eventually I will subsume all the blahblah and just walk nicely.

Also, I was so petrified of being socially unacceptable that I went out and bought perfume so I wouldn't smell bad. It went on light, fresh, yet soft and edible. Then it dried, and I smelled like tropical air freshener. Dear Bath and Body Works, reconsider your summer line, maybe. Just saying.

Axis.

There's an actual post on the way soon (probably), but in the meantime, AXIS:



Also, the smile on his face is like a kid riding a bike with new baseball cards in the spokes.

(photo from the Berlin Tango Festival; I'm totally in love with their photos of these two.)

You guys, I have a metaphor!

And I think this one actually goes someplace instead of descending into mumbling and pictures of Julio and Corina!

I hear a lot of people saying that leading tango is like driving a car. Understandable, since the directional/speed dynamic is there, but sort of unfair to the follower, who puts in eighteen hours of ochos a week only to be called either the passenger or the actual car. (Nice chassis! Oh...hay?) So I've been trying to think of something that translates my feelings about leading into a more cooperative metaphor than 'a car'.

And at dinner last week, I found one! Because I like dinner. And by "one" I mean I found a metaphor, not a car. If I found a car I would sell it and buy shoes.

So, I'm of the mind that the leader is a chef in a restaurant for one, whose personal menu is available to the public. The leader asks the follower to dinner, and it's up to the follower/diner to agree to eat a chef's-choice meal off the menu. Once she agrees, she's pretty much bound to eat everything the chef serves, since she could see the menu right up front. However, if the chef doesn't cook carefully and ends up serving a strawberry dish that the diner's allergic to, or trying to show up and flambe her entree and her hair lights fire, you get a big-ass disaster.

Some diners are really picky eaters and choose chefs very carefully; they tend to be pleased with the meals to which they agree. Some diners agree out of politeness and end up eating a nasty, sandy meal that gives them food poisoning. This is sad, but if the menu reads "nasty, sandy roast beef", well, they sort of knew it.

And of course, choosing the chef is a matter of personal taste based on the menu. Some diners insist on the flambe dinner because they like their dining experiences dramatic; some diners are perfectly happy to sit down to macaroni and cheese. Everyone is in search of the perfect chef who will cook them exactly the meal they want based on the offerings on the menu; when a chef seems to create dishes specifically for the diner who's eating at the time, it's the ultimate compliment.

The chef has to adapt to each diner as she comes; some are new to gourmet cooking and might not be able to appreciate some of the funkier items the chef knows he can cook; some have sophisticated palettes that have been trained for years, and if the chef drops cilantro into anything she'll beat him with a stick until he's dead. However, since the chef ASKS the diner to come and eat, he has to understand demands and limitations, and good cooking comes when the chef works within them.

The diner should try to eat each dish correctly and with good form, using all proper utensils, and avoiding faux pas: making sure not to put cheese on seafood dishes, for example. The diner should wait for the next course without trying to second-guess the chef.

The diner has a right to leave at any time, for any reason. She's a guest, not a prisoner. A professional, mature chef will not throw a hissy if this happens, and instead perhaps re-examine his menu.

Unacceptable: molesting the diner, cooking dishes at lightning speed and getting angry if the diner can't eat it all instantaneously in time for the next dish, cooking the same dish six times and insisting they're all different dishes.



You get the idea. I feel like this is a much nicer metaphor than the car one, because the act of cooking itself involves the innate desire to please, rather than to control, and makes the leader's responsibility one of caring for the follower, of providing for her.

Or, I'm hungry.

Video of the Week: Tete y Silvia

This video is nothing fancy.

The thing is, that's not an insult. It's beautiful BECAUSE it's nothing fancy. It's just two people and the music - no flying boleos or crazy flinging or over-the-head hand-tosses, just old-school tango milonguero.

This should be played in all beginner/intermediate tango classes when people start asking to learn figures, you know?

Because I'm not THAT mean.

To the anonymous tipster who left me some links to hilarious tango dresses:

Thank you for the laugh. And the cringe. I'm not really sure what was going on with some of those dresses, but I'm really flattered that you took the time to leave the comment that would be sure to scar my eyeballs forever.

I didn't publicly post it, because it links directly to the frightening frocks in question, and as much as I love making fun of them, I do try not to link directly to them, because I'm sure the person who made them thinks they're beautiful, and I try not to be a total bastard sometimes, so I'm letting them stay anonymous.

However, I might stick one in here and there as I wade through the worst the internet has to offer, so definitely keep an eye open for one of your picks! I'd give you a finder's fee, but come on, I dance tango. I'm poor.

And her bastardy heart shrank three sizes that day!

Welcome to another edition of Bastardy Grump (c)!

1. Things visiting Argentine bigshots are talking about at the milonga when you dance past:
1) Coffee, wanting more
2) Dessert, wishing they had had less
3) Water, procurement of
4) Orchestra, debate over merits of
5) Dancing, debates over merits of
6) Bunions, possible presence of
7) Seafood, possible danger of
8) Sex
9) Sleeping, dire need of
10) Nice shoes, desire for
11) Orchestra vs. Dancing 2: Tango Boogaloo
12) Orchestra, violent fight over

Things they are most probably not talking about:
1) Dancing, your

What they think of you when you approach them, interrupt their conversation, and ask what they were talking about regarding your dancing as you prepare carefully for a compliment:
1) Jerk, total


This is why Argentines stay in Buenos Aires and don't teach in America. Stop it!

You lucked out...THIS TIME.

So, I have a little piece or two of bastardy grumpness I want to get off my chest, but it's bad fung...something to do that on a Friday, so instead I played my favorite Friday game: Planchadora Stalks Julio and Corina!

It's full of pictures. Why? Mostly because I think an essay on how they move would be boring and consist mostly of sentences like: "Oh my God, you guys, SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY! Seriously. No, I'm serious."

First, their embrace:

Picture from titango

Gentlemen, this leaders' hand position is cracktastic; when you pull your arm back a little you prevent yourself from accidentaly pressing too hard on the follower's hand, and you leave a lot more room for the embrace to become elastic without making the follower push back.

This is an also excellent embrace for ladies when dancing with tall gentlemen; it keeps you from kinking up your shoulder and throwing your axis off, without giving him the weird side death grip that sometimes happens. Overall, an excellent position. Unless you actually get a chance to dance with Julio, in which case I recommend handcuffing yourself directly to his bicep and dancing that way.

Now, observe the power of technique:

bottom picture from their official site, top picture from titango

From what I can tell, these pictures were taken about six months apart in 2002, and there's a slight difference in the closeness of the embrace, but for all intents and purposes it might as well be the same picture Photoshopped onto two backgrounds. Her arm and his arm are so toned and trained and held firmly, yet gently, like two baby bunnies with little tuxedos on. Gentlemen, when you are dancing, hold your follower like she's a very well-dressed rabbit, okay?

p.s. She dresses really nicely, doesn't she?

Okay, last picture, which I had to post because it's so hysterically adorable:



Corina's the queen of the Winter Formal! She's also the queen of severe hairstyles - let your scalp breathe, girlfriend. She still looks gorgeous, though.

Video of the Week: Jennifer Bratt pwns you.

This video is dedicated to anyone who thinks following is easier. I'm just saying.

Wow, I'm punctual. Also: I talk about tango some more.

Almost a full week without posting! Obviously I've been dancing a lot. Or, I fell in a hole and was only now rescued by municipal authorities. You can decide which one you want to be true.

Hint: since this post is about dancing, it's safe to assume I got some dancing done before I fell into the hole. Place your bets accordingly; no need to lose money because you were underinformed.

This weekend I hit the 50/50 mark, where I led a tanda for every tanda I followed. I learned a lot of things from this. The most important thing I learned was that I can change out of a pair of heels in about ten seconds. I also learned some stuff about dancing, I guess, but come on! Ten seconds to be in a completely different pair of shoes with ties and everything! I'll never miss a song again!

Other things I noticed from all this floor time are the respective lists of demands for leaders and followers:


LEADERS
* Hold the follower in a solid yet gentle embrace.
* Step decisively and strongly without overpowering the follower.
* Lead with the chest, not the arms.
* Navigate the floor successfully.
* Listen to the music and interpret it dynamically and engagingly into your dance.

FOLLOWERS
* Step nicely and with good posture.
* Be psychic.


Followers win, seriously. It is so infinitely harder to follow than to lead, because they have to be relaxed enough to follow whatever lead comes, but they also have to be PSYCHIC and intuit what move the leader was going for, so even if he leads [enter complicated move here] without giving the follower room, she can beautifully and gracefully make it into a [slightly different yet still very slick move]. Guys can laugh here, but I promise you, the women? Backlead.

After a weekend of doing both, the following is much more exhausting than the leading. The leading is more nerve-wracking.

I don't do any of the fancy stuff yet, nor can I see myself ever really doing so - I'm too milonguero to enjoy colgadas and volcadas and all that crazy stuff the kids are doing these days. My leading is focused on the little list above; most of what I'm learning about leading happens as I'm following and think either "I see!" or "...I see."

Recently, people are asking which I prefer, leading or following. In all honesty, it really is like trains and boats - they both take you someplace, and sometimes you prefer one or the other, but in general they're both lovely ways to get around. If there's a decent leader with whom I enjoy dancing, I love following. But I'm a picky follower, and it's just as likely I'll run into a follower I like dancing with, and well, why not lead?

ps. I don't know why this is, but I get all these skeevy guys who are like, "I've always wanted to be led by a woman, you know."

....eeeeeeeeeeeeew.

There are a few men I wouldn't mind leading, but these are men who genuinely want to understand following and are willing to follow other men as well and aren't just looking for jollies. There are plenty of men who are willing to lead other men where I am, so there's no excuses, and I am not really interested in being some guy's free dominatrix for ten minutes, you guys. Seriously.

Also, I'll try to post more, even when I have nothing to say. Expect a lot of polls!

Do not adjust your monitor.

Some of the fetching ladies of the brand-new tango show "Tango Para La Eternidad" stand proudly in their costumes, designed to personify the many faces of tango: space alien, 1880s saloon girl, naked hippie, and Morticia Addams. *





* These dresses are real. They are designed by a fashion label that exists solely to manufacture "tango dresses", the majority of which presumably look like this. On purpose. I don't even know.

"The Tango Lesson."

My friend Cadencia gave me The Tango Lesson as a gift. I had seen it three years ago on one of those independent film channels you always end up watching right before you fall asleep, and I remembered it as some kind of weird fever dream with a goatee in it. Naturally I was excited by the opportunity to watch it while lucid.

"The Tango Lesson." A movie / real-life comparison.

MOVIE: Film director Sally Potter can't concentrate on her hilariously sucky movie and, after seeing a tango performance, tries to learn tango from Pablo Veron.

The dude may be a drunk, but he can jump!

She gets through one lesson that he teaches while totally hung over.

REAL LIFE: Uh, so far so good.

MOVIE: Because her imaginary movie kind of sucks, she finds fake holes all over her house and runs off to Buenos Aires to really learn tango, as in, learn tango from other people who are not drinkyface Pablo Veron.

REAL LIFE: Probably a good idea! I'm just saying, that crazy art movie went nowhere and it looks Pablo's dancing with himself, if you get me.

Sally introduces her leitmotif of unflattering, high-waisted bubble pants.

MOVIE: She takes what looks like two lessons from Gustavo Naveira and Fabian Salas, then hits Confiteria Ideal and manages to snag Omar Vega AND Cacho Dante.

REAL LIFE: Well, she ain't so great, it has to be said, but hey, if anyone can teach someone to tango in two lessons it's Gustavo and Fabian. Also, this movie makes me hope they are a wacky crime-fighting duo who run around fixing people's bad ochos and stuff all the time, because the world needs them! ALSO also, they could maybe have their wacky tuxedo-wearing friend "Flaco" Dany who helps them out sometimes, and their wacky high-speed weapons expert Jorge Firpo, and their counterintelligence superpower Geraldine Rojas! I'd pay money to see that movie! I'd pay more money to see that movie than I would to see this one, that's for damn sure.

Sally Potter and her wacky crimefighting trio

ps. If you watch that YouTube video, right when they have the establishing shot of the gentlemen, Cacho Dante is totally staring RIGHT AT THE CAMERA. It's one of my favorite moments in the whole movie. He's like, "I, uh...I'm just....camera."

MOVIE: Sally comes back from Buenos Aires and is bored by everything.

REAL LIFE: Hell yes. See also: anyone who ever went to Bs As and danced.

MOVIE: She misses tango, so she goes to see Pablo and they become BFFs and dance through a bunch of waiters trying to clean up and along a municipal waterway.

REAL LIFE: I'd say we're edging into Mary Sue territory, but apparently this actually happened to some extent, and later we get to see plenty of her dancing foibles, so I'll give her a pass.

MOVIE: They become professional dance partners in a sort of put-me-in-your-movie foreplay, except that Pablo only dances for himself and as soon as she starts in with, "So, you totally ignored me on stage in front of, like, three hundred people," he whips out the, "I'm a man, I need my space to BREATHE!" thing, which might work on a better actor but looks pretty hilarious on Pablo Veron.

REAL LIFE: Dude, this is every relationship in the history of time. Check.

MOVIE: They go back to Buenos Aires, where they pick up Gustavo and Fabian and begin working on choreography - and on their sizzling sexual tension!

In an attempt to escape the rain, Sally's pants crawl up her waistline seeking freedom!

REAL LIFE: Sally's not a good emoter, and neither is Pablo, and the sexual-tension part is just a lot of staring. However, you'll notice that all these scenes are saved by Gustavo and Fabian, Crime-Fighting Milongueros! (Gustavo is the serious, mythical one and Fabian is the lighthearted, playful one, and they work tirelessly to uncover the axis of every tango dancer! Hooray!)

MOVIE: The jealousy increases until Pablo busts up her tanda with another guy so he can dance with her himself.

REAL LIFE: I checked with a friend who lived in Bs As on this, and her answer was, "HAHAHAH, no." I'm going to take a wild stab and say that it would either not happen or not be tolerated if it did happen, because, come on.

ps. I have no video footage of this, but if you can get your hands on a copy of the movie, right after Pablo shoves Sally's partner, there's a mid-shot where you can see a pair of dancer extras. The dude's expression is the kind of horror and dismay one would expect if Pablo had come to the guy's house, shoved sand into his face, kicked his dog, and marched out. That extra is holding NOTHING back.

MOVIE: Ambiguous ending after some big fight about nothing.

REAL LIFE: Well, you have to give Sally points for knowing how relationships go. Another one for Sally.

I finished this movie with the prevailing thought that my fever dream had been pretty accurate.

There are a lot of things here that are totally artsy and contrived, and the fact that I could believe that they actually happened makes me a little sad for Sally - like, I can absolutely believe she'd call and leave a big Biblical anecdote on someone's answering machine. Should she be proud of this? I don't know. I guess it depends on how well it worked in real life.

I also have trouble with the fact that all the Argentine bigshots make a big deal out of how great a dancer she is; I can't blame her for wanting to make a movie where she dances with every bigshot but Flaco Dany, who must have been out of town, but later she makes a whole plot point out of the fact that she's NOT a very good follower, which just makes me feel like she was writing fanfiction in her head or something. I mean, who abandons their significant other ON THE DANCE FLOOR to come over and dance with someone else? (Yes, this happened. Just like they all cross the room and stand by the table while she's talking and wait to ask her to dance. Who let that happen?)

What I do think she got right is the addictive nature of tango; I love all the quiet moments where she hobbles around in her first pair of tango shoes, where she soaks her feet in the tub after a night of dancing. I love when she goes to the tea dance in Paris and even though at that point she hasn't been to Buenos Aires, you can see on her face that she knows this isn't really tango. That stuff is all great.

And this moment, thought totally contrived, is a very powerful representation of the struggle of tango, where the man seeks to contain the woman but needs her for balance, etc. This moment was the reason I chose this as my blog picture for so long.


This whole movie was the reason I took it off again. I'm on strike for Gustavo and Fabian: Crime-Fighters! I know you can do it, Sally! Make it happen!

Dear Capezio,

Our love affair is over!

My dance sneakers gave in this weekend, and I had no alternatives. So, a brief list of what I learned this weekend:

1) Bring more shoes. Always bring more shoes. You think two pair will be enough, but clearly you are a fool.

2) My feet have such nice, smooth callouses that I can dance for two hours in socks with my heels 4 inches off the floor and my feet don't hurt.

3) Take THAT, Capezio! Hanes is totally putting you out of business!

4) I wish desperately for beautiful shoes that enable me to alternate leading and following without making me look like The Bride of Clunkentoes or, alternately, the little-known and often maligned Kevin Costner love interest Stands-With-Two-Pairs.

Because pictures are nice. Sometimes. Sometimes they burn your eyeballs.

Because I have no high horse to get up on today, it's picture time!

First off, this picture of two tango dancers who are both girls (say it ain't so!):



I don't know how you're supposed to walk, much less dance in those dresses, frankly. I especially love the grumpy girl on the left. She needs to breathe, people! She probably hasn't eaten in a year! Let her out!

But for every soft-focus beauty shot of Belle Epoque dresswear, we have a photo shoot for modern tango wear that looks like it was shot at the Winter Formal or something:

1. Love that picture-in-picture! If only it had that oval frame action from my junior prom days, where you got TWO shots of you and your date looking uncomfortable, instead of just one. (Tradition in my school was to take one serious one and one "wacky" one, which usually involved the girl looking like the beginning of a Mentos commercial, fake-baffled and -dismayed, while the guy grabbed some ass. Classy, classy establishment.)

2. Speaking of grab-ass, how about we maybe add a skirt to that dress?


There is nothing wrong with this next dress. It's a little tight for tango, maybe, but there's nothing at all wrong with it - it's something I'd wear to a wedding. I just love the story created by this unintentionally hilarious picture editing :


"Sally couldn't stand how Sadie was so blissfully happy to steal Sally's every move, her every thought, her every outfit - but all that would soon change. Oh, yes, it would. Sadie would be very, very sorry."



And some more shoes:


I can't tell if these are interesting or appalling, and I absolutely cannot fathom what they look like on someone's foot. My brain loses today. I do appreciate them taking a stab at a new look, but is it like a straightjacket for your foot? I think these might be like a pair of Comme il Fauts I saw someone wearing once, open-toe slingbacks in white satin with a black toile print and a big velvet cord tied around the ankle. I didn't like the shape of the shoe, but I totally admired the idea behind it, and the fact that this girl could keep a shoe on her foot with something flimsier than ribbon.

It was like a gossamer, marshmallow fairy-kiss of a shoe tie, you guys, seriously.

Good news, bad news, bad shoes.

Good news: I love leading. Not quite as much as following a good leader (following a good leader is indescribable and total rewardingpants), but I like leading much, much more than following a bad leader. See previous posts wherein I am a bastardy grump.

Bad news: I have to fix. When you're a follower and there's a disconnect in the step, your job is to wait until he fixes. When you're leading, you actually have to figure out how to fix it.

Good news: this doesn't happen a lot since my style is currently so simple that it's hard for me to fuck up.

Bad news: my style is really simple. I need to step it up with the tango vocabulary. I know about 30 steps, but I trust myself to effectively lead about 7. Time to hit practica. Musicality is all well and good, but it's one thing to be simple on purpose and another thing to be simple because you don't know better. It's the difference between Ernest Hemingway and a second-grader.

Good news: 90% of missteps can be fixed by walking to the cross.

Bad news: Walking to the cross is one of my 7 steps. They're on to me!

Good news: My following has also improved a ton; either my balance is getting better or I'm getting better at reading a lead and knowing where my foot has to be. I'll take either one!

Bad news: What works for the follower (hip embellishments, let's say) does not always work for the leader. It's okay, you can laugh. I certainly did the last time I caught myself in the mirror with salsa hips. Note to self: just because it's D'Arienzo doesn't mean your ass can be shaking all over.

Good news: My hip embellishments are looking great!

Bad news: My nice shoes are languishing, since it's impossible to switch in and out of them all night long when I'm doing about 50/50 leading and following.

Good news: The arch of my right foot, which had been a little sore following weeks of training in toe-pointing and instep-resting, is feeling much better. Yay breaks!

Bad news: I need leading shoes desperately. I'm leading in little jazz shoes and it's just not feasible.

Good news: A lot of comfortable shoes are suitable for both leading and following!

Bad news: These shoes exist.

Good news: They're out of stock!

Bad news: That means PEOPLE BOUGHT THEM.

Q & A with Planchadora

Since the post I made expressing frustration with public reaction to my leading, things have calmed somewhat. I am still working my hardest to learn, incorporating a few new steps at a time with the old staples, working on my intent and my posture and the comfort of my embrace.

I still do not ask women to dance unless they have make it clear they want to dance with me. And by "make it clear," I don't mean eye contact. I mean they come up and ask, "Can we have a dance later?"

This weekend I went to a milonga, and after a tanda of leading I walked the woman back to her seat. A porteno nearby asked me how long I had been dancing, and I told him I had been leading for two months or so, and started to say something self-deprecating, but stopped when I saw his expression and asked why.

"Because you understand tango," he said. "You really understand."

I tell you this story partly because it's the best tango complement I'm ever going to get, and partly because I'm about to rip into a porteno, and I want to make it clear the general level of respect I have for Bs As-born tango dancers.

SO! In response to my O RLY? post, Dandy, from Buenos Aires, writes:

I am writing from Buenos Aires.
I have a question . What is this abaout leaders and followers?
In the tango dance you have hombres (man) y mujeres (women).
Nothing can change that,is the essence of tango.

My favorite thing about this letter is that it assumes I cannot identify the words "hombres" and "mujeres", and yet understand the article "y".

This is my answer:


Hi Dandy,

Actually, my advice was split into two parts - advice for leaders and advice for followers - based on things I have observed at the milongas in my city. The advice does not relate to gender, but rather to the roles of the dance.

Traditional tango is a man and a woman, obvio. However, the essence of tango to me is two people moving together, attemping to express the sentimientos of tango. The genders of those two people doesn't matter to me.

In Buenos Aires I am sure every man is a tango god, and you especially I am sure, since you have taken the time to write me and correct me. However, where I live, in a milonga full of hombres mierdas, many women are happy to dance with good women leaders.

You are free to have your own opinion on this, but I am a woman who leads and follows, and I see no reason why I should be forbidden to lead just because I am a woman. Anyone who is musical, who can give intent, who can take care of the follower in their arms and navigate the dance floor well, can lead. You may not agree, but I know plenty of followers who do.

O RLY?

I came across a post in a tango discussion board last night. I've decided not to link it because the guy was totally trying to be nice and not trolling anything, so he gets the benefit of the doubt on that one and should not be yelled at for trying to encourage people to be welcoming. However, it did make me bust out with my O RLY? face.

Upshot: Women should stop being so picky. If they choose to dance only with leaders who are better than they are, or the best leaders in the room, then all the beginners and other leads feel left out and might not come back, and in the interest of supporting the community and "paying it back", women should dance more.

O RLY? Let me break out my bag o'punctuation for a nice long snarkfest. **

First: I agree that people should support beginners, absolutely. I was a beginner once, and without R. and the other brave men who endeavored to show me turns, sacadas, and paradas, I'd be discouraged and probably by now I'd be ice dancing instead. In the spirit of paying it back to the tango community, there are beginners I dance with whenever I see them at a milonga, because they are always trying to improve. They'll ask a question about the embrace (between songs), they'll try something new that they've clearly been working on, and if it doesn't quite happen, they'll make it into something they can manage without tripping the follower. They try to listen to the music and dance D'Arienzo differently than Vargas.

Key words above include: trying to improve, clearly been working, manage without tripping, listen to the music. I will fix your fumble if you were trying to make a very musical turn and it didn't quite work out. If you take a side step and don't know how to navigate for a while, it's all right, I'll hang out. (One guy tried this, got boxed in, and after about ten seconds he said, "Uh...artistic pause!" and I cracked up because it was awesome.) I will totally dance with you if this is the case.

Beginners I will not dance with again: Guys who dance every dance exactly the same, inluding milongas (aieeee!). Guys who try out something on you that they just "learned" unsuccessfully in the intermediate class. Guys who try out that same move four times in a row whether or not he can actually do it. Practicas, you guys.

Beginners who ruin it for all the other beginners: Guys who try to use salsa moves on the dance floor when their tango fails them. (Yes, this happened, yes, it was as bad as you think, and I have to tell you, this guy initiated my "I don't care how good you say you are, I'm not dancing with you until I've seen you dance with someone else" rule. I usually shorten it and sound more polite, obviously, but if I don't know you I'm reluctant to be your first dance. I've missed out on one or two leads, but I've avoided about 300 disasters, so I'm okay with the odds.

SALSA, you guys. To DI SARLI. I died inside.)

Unrelated addendum: if you have brought your own follower and can manage to avoid crashing people, you guys can practice your moves over and over. If you're not bocking traffic and not using an unsuspectecting follower as a practice partner, you can do as you please. It looks funny to parade around doing a fancy gancho combination 16 times, but if you're fine with it I'm fine with it.

Guys I won't dance with at all: If you have been dancing for 5 years and you still dance every dance exactly the same. If your tango vocabulary is mostly stage moves. (Nobody wants to see your follower sliding between your legs, dude.) If you teach on the dance floor. If you try to hold me closer to my ass than my shoulder in hopes of copping a feel. If you are a Shoveler. If you clearly never practice and don't know how long it takes the follower to do something, so you link all your fancy tricks together without remembering the laws of physics. (I have been guilty of this myself as a leader, but I figured it out during practica and fixed it way before I went to a milonga and asked someone to dance.) If you show off at the expense of your partners.

I'd argue that tango community service is REFUSING to dance with bad leaders. A complacent leader will never improve and will continue playing grab-ass all over the dance floor for the rest of his life. A leader who isn't getting dances will have to either quit the scene and grab ass someplace else, or improve.

This will significantly cut the risk of Horrified Followeritis, and definitely increase the number of 'Yeses' these guys get. I'm still not sure why they do it.

Yes, leading is extremely difficult. I know that. I'm working on it myself. However, keyword: I am working on it. I practice out of the public eye with friends and in classes, I ask questions and get feedback, I keep it to the steps I know I can lead. I don't ask people to dance yet at milongas, because I'm not good enough. If a friend asks me, I'll be happy to lead, but I'm not presenting myself as a leader yet because I can't expect people to dance with me until I'm better. I expect no less from other leaders.

A follower has nothing to gain from dancing with a leader who is complacently sucky, who is not listening to the music, who grabs her ass, who steps on her toes, who makes her a practice dummy. Why would she say yes?

Now, because my grouch is equal-opportunity: FLIP SIDE!

Followers! Your turn!

Heads up: Just because you are young and skinny doesn't mean you're a good follower. It means you're young and skinny, and good leaders rarely avoid young, skinny partners. You still have to work on your technique. No one looks good with their ankles six inches apart and their feet rolling everywhere. Insteps and ankles, please. This goes for everyone, by the way, not just young, skinny beginners. Everybody! Insteps and ankles!

As regards speed: Long steps are gorgeous. I am a big fan of any lady who steps back with beautiful long steps. However, there's no need to rush. You're not going anywhere. It's a circle! Plus, you're sort of dragging your leader, and it makes the guy look funny when he's running after you.

Also: Posture. It looks lovely to stand up straight - your mom told you, those bat-crazy nuns at the Catholic school told you, and now I'm telling you. Hunching over and leaning your head on his shoulder does not look sad and emotive; it looks like you're falling asleep, or that he punched you in the stomach. Quit defaming your leaders as boring and/or abusive brutes! So mean!

Also also: Every once in a while, dance with a beginner who's trying. If he's really trying, in two years he'll be awesome, and you'll be all, "Oh hi, Awesome," and he'll be like, "Oh hi, Nice Follower, care to dance?" and all the other women will be totally jealous. You wait and see.

** Disclaimer: I am a bastardy grump.