When Animals Attack.

I sometimes wonder if people understand why ugly dresses bother me. I'm not some kind of crazy "everyone must dress like a schoolteacher" antifeminist, I promise. It's just...it's just easier to find something that looks decent. Stunning or showstopping are harder to come by, but decent is everywhere. There's no reason to look as if you've spent a week wandering the forest in a prom dress.

Here. I'll walk you through a dress concept executed three ways, from Attacked by a Wild Animal (AWA) to Decent to Stunner. Let's say the concept is "show off my back".

Let's begin!

It is telling that even the model looks ashamed to be wearing this, and she's getting PAID to do it. Her poses are also unfortunate, as it makes clear that your arms must be positioned across your chest at all times so that people don't get a floor show they weren't expecting. This is neither stunning nor showstopping unless she does a flying boleo and the world sees her underpants. (I desperately hope she's wearing underpants. Nobody disillusion me.)

So, let's shield out eyes from the AWA and take refuge in a dress that makes allowances for bra straps, underpants, and ability to actually use one's arms for something other than protection. Is it a showstopping, New Year's Eve party dress? Maybe not. But it's comfortable jersey, it's flattering on a lot of people, and you don't look like you've been ravaged by pumas. What's not to like?

But Dora, you say, I'm not content to be one of the decent masses. Don't you see? When I walk into a room, I want them to turn and stare. I want them to say, "There is a dancer."

Well, why didn't you say so?

What, you can't ocho en pointe? *sigh* Beginners. Fine, try this instead.

Now this is a stunner. The front hem comes to the knees, the back hem fishtails beautifully; imagine what that skirt looks like on long backwards steps. The back is bare, to be sure, but you did want showstopping.

Admit it, you love it.