Thursday, November 30, 2006

Things you have learned in tango class.

1. You should be thinner than you are now.

2. Your center of gravity cannot remain in your pelvic area. Instead, cut it in half. Drop half to your knees, shove the other half up to your shoulders. This will feel a little funny. Ignore it!

3. Hopefully that bad smell is your partner. Best to be safe, though; by spritzing yourself with 8 oz of Pearberry Body Spray before you come to class, you can be sure that everyone will know exactly what you smell like. No awkward misunderstandings for you! (This is not recommended for application without industrial-strength ventilation.)

4. No, seriously. Thinner. It's the only way this move is possible.

5. Gentlemen, please remember that there's nothing a woman loves more than a compliment. Bad lead? No problem. Skillfully share the experience by pointing out that she's "almost doing it right". No girl can resist a charmer!

6. You should get more balance. Maybe you could mug someone on the street for their balance.

7. Everyone remembers the move from last week, right?

8. Right?

9. Okay, so it looked like this. Now do you remember?

10. ...oh. Well, maybe we should work on some technique.

11. Your technique is also terrible. Is there some kind of balance exchange program available to you? You qualify.

12. Leather pants during a class? Of course! Every day's a runway, baby! Double points if you're over 40; triple points if you're a man. If you're a man over 40 in kicky leather pants, write me for a cash prize!

13. Gentlemen, take note: ladies love ganchos!

14. Ladies, take note: Good luck with that.

15. Stop eating your registration slip; that's nothing but carbs!

16. You know, this school has a really good beginner program.


Caroline said...

Ladies love ganchos? Were you being serious or sarcastic? Personally, I am not nuts about them.

Funny post and very much rooted in truth and reality.

La Planchadora said...

Oh, I couldn't be more sarcastic. I was leading at the time, and absolutely refused to lead the gancho part of the figure. If men want that kind of thrill they should pay for it.

miss tango in her eyes said...

Thinner yes, but the men also like curvy culos tambien.

La Planchadora said...

Oh, definitely! It was just that this move was one of those lean-back-and-step-over open-embrace things, and there was absolutely no way to do it unless both parties were stick-thin. You could see people looking around the room in mounting despair. Hilarious.