Have you been attacked by wild animals?

Everyone's posting about what (and what not) to wear, from Cherie to Debbi to Miss Tango, which is exciting and yet sad, because when people have to mention what you shouldn't wear, I know that wild animals have once again been set free to maul young ladies' hemlines.

"But I want to express myself!" some women cry, clutching their keyhole tops and necktie minikirts. "This is beautiful and fluid! I can only dance in this!"

To this I can only promise you you're expressing something, but it usually just gets you the pearl-clutching "oh my GOD!" kind of reaction, and less "I bet that girl in the skirt made of neckties can really burn up the floor!"

For those still uncertain, I have included some concrete examples.

RED

Attacked by a Wild Animal

Not Attacked by a Wild Animal

Both of these dresses are red, with collarbone-showcasing proprties. However, you'll note that the first one looks as if cougars have shredded it to ribbons, leaving an underskirt that barely covers the undercurve of the backside. Ladies, you don't want to flash people, I PROMISE. No matter what Claire Anderson told you in fifth grade, flashing people is not cool. The second dress is slightly more conservative, but still beautiful, and with this one you can wear a bra! I know, I know, it's crazy talk, but dammit, it just might work!

ASYMMETRY

Attacked by a Wild Animal

Not Attacked by a Wild Animal

The first dress is not quite as bad as it could be, but the material looks deeply uncomfortable, as if this woman is somehow playing the Mother of the Bride in a tango show and they wanted to come up with an Argentine version of an organza bolero jacket. And by Mother, I mean Hootchie-Mama mother, because that slit goes up to what I desperately hope are some underpants. At least she knows it's a little much and has tried to cover it up with a shower curtain. It's still a little small, though; maybe she could have avoided that little gauntlet sleeve and just used the extra material to finish it off.

Meanwhile, the second dress is matte cotton jersey (the only material I wear to dance in, because it's pretty and your skin can breathe and you're not all confined and GOOD LORD how do women dance in satin I'll never understand it), and it's classy enough that you can wear it to tango and outside tango, like on dates or other things people do in the real world when they're not dancing tango. I don't know what those things are anymore.

And double bonus - even the asymmetric part is still thick enough that you can sneak a black bra strap under there and no one will ever know! Who knows what genius designed a dress you can wear a bra in? Who knows why so many women decide to forego said bra while they're dancing, even if maybe they shouldn't? The world is full of mystery.

What I do know is that this dress is so hot I just ordered it for myself.

I hope that this helps, indecisive tangueras! I'm sure it did. I know that now I never have to see the remains of an animal attack ever again.

Except that I'm going dancing tonight, so I guess it's not a matter of "if" and more a matter of "how many".