Where's my Cure CD?

Was feeling a little emo earlier this week about my leading plight, and even wrote a post to that effect before I realized I sounded, by turns, emo and arrogant. No one comes here for the emo, and if you want blogs from arrogant tango leaders, I think any tango blog written by a man is pretty much taking care of that, so have fun! (Exception, as always, for Tango and Chaos.)

Instead, I have decided to bring you another installment of "The History of Tango Music." Part 3 of 34,985.

3. "Umbrella", Rihanna and her eight million ghostwriters

Lyric sample:

No clouds in my storms
Let it rain, I hydroplane in the bank
Coming down with the Dow Jones.

I have no idea what this means. Any takers? Okay, so that's not fair, it's from the intro rap. We'll try something from the body of the song:

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)


Oooooookaaay.

What makes it tango?: Not a thing. I just don't get this song whatsoever, and you guys all have to suffer, too.

Playable?: I don't know. Let's ask the eight million people driving around with their windows down and their subwoofers shaking the ground under your feet who have been playing this song on repeat for six weeks.

Actually, there are acoustic versions of this song that are "tango" in that they keep 4/4 time, but the eight-count phrasing is missing, so dancing to it would get boring, and seriously, nothing is sadder than a soulful, earnest, acoustic version of a terrible song. Nothing.

If you, lucky soul, haven't heard this song yet, the video is here.

Things to note:

1) They're not even trying with the en pointe stuff. It's the legs of an en point dancer, and Rihanna's top half. They do not even try to fool you on this.

2) Good girl + top hat and shorts = bad girl. Warn Liza Minelli!